Dealing with Passive Aggressiveness

My boyfriend tends to express himself in a passive aggressive way. I find myself afraid to dig deeper and at the same time resentful that I have to be the one to initiate open and direct communication. How can I handle this?

The first thing you can do to improve communication with your boyfriend is to look at the language you are using to describe him and your relationship. If your internal conversation is that he tends to express himself in a passive aggressive manner and rarely wants to engage, chances are high that you will reinforce your interpretation of him and perpetuate your resentful feelings.

The next time you are feeling upset, ask yourself,“What is happening that is at odds with what I would like to experience?” Rather than thinking or saying, “My boyfriend is passive aggressive,” notice the information you are receiving. It might be that he is watching a TV show, whereas you would like his attention. See if you can identify a specific behavior that you would like to see him express. Rather than insisting that he communicate more, ask him to take a walk with you after dinner. Rather than threatening to leave him if he won’t go into therapy, ask him to read something that you think will help deepen your relationship – such as Marshall Rosenberg’s excellent book Nonviolent Communication. You have to be willing to try something different if you want a different outcome.

With love,
David