by Traci Porterfield
I love the holidays . . . all the decorations and glitter and holiday music, the delicious, seasonal pumpkin spice lattes, getting letters and cards from special people I wish I saw more often, and what I cherish most ― the excitement and sparkle in my son’s blue eyes as he counts down the days until Santa comes down the chimney.
I treasure the holiday time with family and friends, as well as the blessed respite from the daily routine. However, this is not a universal perception. For many people, the holidays are far from the most wonderful time of the year. They may be grieving the loss of a family member or might have experienced a difficult break-up earlier in the year, leaving them newly single in a season that celebrates togetherness and romance.
As a professional relationship coach, I’ve worked with many clients who dread the holidays because they feel uncomfortable with their single status. I remember working with a client I’ll call Carol, an attractive, newly divorced woman in her forties. She told me about going to a neighborhood Christmas party where her elderly neighbor introduced her as “the single girl next door.” A little while later, she was talking with a couple who asked her, “Who did you come to the party with?”
Carol told me that when she answered, “I came alone,” an uncomfortable silence followed and she swore that they were looking at her with pity. She said she felt like she was on display at a petting zoo, as if she were a member of a rare and endangered species that only came out between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. Carol said that at any moment she expected the other party goers to take up a collection to save the species and motivate them to breed and repopulate.
I laughed but I also shook my head at her negative exaggeration. As David Simon has often said, “Reality is a selective act of perception.” Carol perceived the party through a lens that was heavily shaded with fear and insecurity. She could have just as easily focused on the friendliness of her neighbors, the opportunity to meet new friends, and gratitude for the delicious food and warm setting. The truth is that she was the one harshly judging herself. The couple she met may have been envying her apparent freedom, while the older neighbor may have wished he could be her age again.
Cultivate a Loving Internal Dialogue
If, like Carol, your internal dialogue about being single is filled with thoughts such as “What’s wrong with me? Why am I alone again? Why can’t I find a compatible partner? Everyone must think I’m a real loser . . . ” ― I would strongly encourage you to shift your perception and to remember that your essential nature is infinite spirit. While most of us were taught to seek love and happiness from external sources, both of these qualities are innately ours. When you feel lonely or isolated, it’s because fear has clouded your perception, keeping you from experiencing the love and wholeness of your true Self. There is a beautiful quote from Deepak Chopra that expresses this idea in just a few words, “That which you are seeking is seeking you.”
Whenever you find yourself caught in a negative internal dialogue about being single (or about anything else), remind yourself that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Ask yourself, “How can I be more loving to myself in this moment? What is the kindest thing I could do for myself right now?”
Be Open to All Expressions of Love
When I hear clients bemoan their “alone” status, and I remember the wonderful parents, siblings or children of whom they so fondly speak, I have to stop and remind them that though they do not necessarily have the specific form of love they so passionately seek, love is in abundance if they take a moment to recognize it.
Christmas shopping with their mom or sister, lighting candles with family at Hanukkah, playing with young nieces or nephews, holiday parties or outings with friends, all of these times resonate with joy and togetherness. If you put your attention on cherishing these moments and truly being present, feelings of loneliness will dissipate.
Cherish the relationships that you have with your family, friends, and co-workers. Even though they aren’t the “eros” love connection you may desire, they offer invaluable gifts of connection, comfort, and cheer during this holiday season.
Focus on Giving
As a single guy or gal, you have a rare and wonderful opportunity to help others who don’t have your freedom and flexibility. Why not offer to babysit for the couple with the new baby who have not had a night out alone in months. Invite your sister’s kids over for an afternoon so that she can finish some last-minute gift shopping. Volunteer at a soup kitchen on Christmas day because you want to help, and you CAN!
You can also enjoy the ritual of giving to yourself. Treat yourself to a massage, a new pair of shoes, or a meditation retreat. Do you want to plan a last-minute trip for New Year’s Eve? Go for it! You don’t have obligations to tie you down. The ability to be spontaneous, creative, and exuberant is a wonderful benefit to being single at this time of year! The important thing is to appreciate and take advantage of your single status in whatever way you choose, whether doing for others or nurturing yourself.
Make plans you’ll enjoy
There are a wide variety of holiday events you can enjoy by yourself or with friends. Be adventurous and try something new this year. Even if you don’t consider yourself a good singer, attend a sing-it-yourself Messiah and experience the spiritual communion of hundreds of voices soaring in unison. Even if you don’t normally attend church or temple, go for a candlelight service or concert. See a play at your local community theater or spend an afternoon curled up with a good book in front of the fire.
Appreciating where you are in life is truly one of the keys to happiness. Enjoy this portion of your journey . . . the lights, the music, and festivities – and the peace, stillness, and joy of the season. Cherish the deep connections you already have in your life, and be open to possibilities for new friends and relationships. And if you feel inclined to tell the Santa at the mall that the most important thing on your list is a wonderful person to LOVE and share your life with, then do it! Put your intentions out into the universe and know that you are infinitely lovable.
Traci Porterfield is a human resources consultant for the Chopra Center as well as the founder of Love by Design, a relationship coaching company based in Carlsbad, California.
-
thank you for this article! I am with myself this year and reading this article I got several ideas for ways to enjoy the season. Like, going with a friend to the Mall and watching the ice skaters & enjoying the beautiful decorations while having pie & coffee, or getting several friends together to drive around looking at Christmas Lights. There is so much to enjoy in this Season and I intend to do just that!
-
Love you Traci,
Thank you for doing this article and normalizing the experience of being one of those… “single people”. We are real and we do exist… and some of us dont even mind it.. even at Christmas. No matter what, I think it really is all about where I choose to place my attention – I can be happy or I can be unhappy – either way… it is no ones choice but my mine. -
Hello Traci,
The first paragraph of your essay used to be how I viewed Christmas. Being an RN working many of the holidays and 12 hour night shifts as well, with my parents living 400 miles away, being an only child, without a significant other and had cancer when in my late 20′s = couldn’t have children, I still used to make my Christmas very special.However, over the past 10 years, I have lost 18 very special individuals in my life.
Both parents, all the rest of my aunts/uncles, folks who were like second parents, four friends whose deaths were shocks as unexpected, two babies – one before birth. Most recently my father who I cared for over 52 months when he was 92 – 96 and following his death within 3 and 5 months, my dad’s closest male cousin and his last brother also died. My dear cat who’d been with me 12 years had to be put to sleep at 17 just 2 months after my mom died of ALS.
In that year alone, I had 8 deaths, most at a distance from where I live. What it’s done is absolutely emotionally exhausted me with getting enthusiastic about holiday days of any kind.
I’m now retired, forced to do so really as I needed to care for my dad and then couldn’t get a job after such a long time not working. Day to day, I spend alone and spend many hours going out to get lots of exercise, cycling for up to 7 hours, running up to 2 hours and walking often for 4 hours in the city in which I live. I’m very fit, healthy and believe in good mental health, so make sure that I am well nourished with organic, non-processed food. Sleep very well and 8 hours nightly. I have hobbies, etc. and keep in touch with emails mainly with family and friends who live at a distance, most in the UK where I was born.
As a single older woman – I just had my 65th birthday, I do not wish to pursue having a partner and made that decision 9 years ago, which for me is a good one for quite a few personal reasons.
So, for the more recent years, I kind of ignore Christmas and don’t feel any joy about it at all, given I’ve been grieving from deaths in the fall, one even a few weeks before Christmas day. If I acted like I was enthused about it, I would be acting. So, all that said, your essay is great for someone who wants to include Christmas in their life, I do not and haven’t for quite a few years now. I don’t want someone wishing me Merry Christmas, don’t want to be invited to anything to do with Christmas and will probably spend every day over the holidays by myself as I did last year. The only thing that I do is send cards to folks who don’t live near me. So, I wanted to write this as your essay is excellent but does not apply to someone like myself.
What I will do in December is live my days as I do now, realize that I’m being true to myself with where my heart and spirit are and take special attention to being active (if the weather here in Vancouver, Canada allows) and give thanks that I have made it somehow alone through all these difficult years. I’ll appreciate the cards that I’ll receive but know that all the wishes in the world cannot again make Christmas what it used to be for me. Sad but true.
Wendy
PS I appreciate also that I know you will be reading this. The Chopra Center that I discovered about 2 1/2 years ago has been a great source of connection after hearing Deepak speak in Vancouver several years ago. I’ve participated in Davidji’s Meditation Challenges over recent years and visit the web site often. So, I am very appreciative of what the Chopra Center can offer me.
-
Thank you so much for these words.
This morning I wok tide, unhappy, mourning. But after reading all you said, I JUST FEEL BETTER. Really ! You are right. I just need to see the truth Life, to accept every situation with its true value and remember when God remembers me even if I do not feel consiously all His gifts each second of my life.This morning, i am grateful to Him and to you Traci.
-
Thank you for these words.
I have been divorced for a number of years and know the feelings that come at this time of year.
For me it is new year, when the clock strikes 12 pm and everyone turns to their partner to wish them happy new year, and that is how it should be, at that moment I feel very much alone.
I realise that this is just a moment in my life, that is in many ways full of love and friendships that are dear to me. Sometimes I think that it would be perfect if I had a special someone to share this with, but realise, that I have to find what I am looking for within myself, not always easy to find at that moment!! but I keep on trying. Love is all around me if I can open my heart! -
loved the article Traci. I was totally reminded of the movie Love Actually which I think is about love being all around us in unconventual ways!!
-
I wonder, as I read this article, if the author has personally experienced being alone. Not for a a day or week or even a month but truly being alone. I don’t think so.
These ideas all sound fine except that when it’s time to go home you still go home alone. I can also state that not always having been alone, I am widowed now, I do remember times when persons who were single attended our get togethers we always found ourselves going out of our way to entertain them. Why? Because we felt sorry for them.
Common comment to other guests out of earshot of the single person was: ” she’s all alone so please try to include her in your conversations”.
Trust me, it’s not a good feeling to know that people feel sorry for you. it makes you feel inferior or overlooked or perhaps having some missed attribute in your character.
The articles intentions are good but I don’t think the author has a clear understanding of what it’s like to be truly alone. -
I loved this message. I have been single all my 55 years and know what is like to be wit out a significant other over the holidays. Traci is right on the money when she said it was in all how we perceive ourselves and the circumstances at given moment. I’ve done pity roll thing, the strong thing and the Iove thing, and giving of my time and coming from love has always served me the best. I just have to remind myself that it is available at any given moment.
-
I really enjoyed this article. It is seldom that I see support for those who are lonely during the holidays…
Without going into my long history of family and divorce issues, I can tell you I have experienced terrifying feelings of abandonment and aloneness. And to make a long story short, I can tell you that finding a “home” in the Chopra Center and the philosophy taught there, has transformed me…
I have learned from experience, that Traci and Dr. Simon are right on when they say that our reality is a matter of perception. We have a tendency to idealize the holidays and that creates high expectations. I have found the truth to be, when with family or mates (holiday or otherwise), that you can have comfort, togetherness, joy and/or stress, hurt, disappointment- and when alone: sadness, loneliness and/or feeling free, spiritually connected, and whatever retreat type of experience you personally have. Think of how it is such a luxury for most people to get retreat time….
If you are on this site, you are probably practicing meditation. I would invite you to go into that “place” you go when meditating and see if you can find “loneliness” there. You can only meditate alone, is that lonely?
No one is asking us to deny our desire for love and romance. We need to honor those feelings AND work with the reality of the present moment. It is very sad to me, if we allow those feelings to create blocks to fully enjoying the present. As Traci is saying, there is so much magic to be had during the holidays- it depends on attitude (with or without other people). I will most likely be alone this Christmas- there will be some loneliness and there will be joy in whatever I come up with to make it special.
If you are into Deepak, I would recommend reading “Power, Freedom and Grace”- Happy Holidays everyone! -
I too feel the message is good, however has the author ever experienced years of being alone. I have been alone for 5 years now and there are days no one calls. sometimes weeks.
I have had friends who call me 10 times a day only to stop when they find a boyfriend. I’m like what? was there ever a friendship?
there are times there is not a look at me this is how I’m feeling. if that were true, I’m sure then it would be a child’s fault if they get molested….
it’s easy to point the finger at those who are feeling blue at the holiday and tell them to give more. I have loving children, and a few friends who really do not give up the friendship cause I’m single. could it be the other people were insensitive to the others plight?
about a month ago I had a terrible haircut, the manager actually told me to shut up so does that mean I was at fault and not her? I told them I could not pay for this haircut cause the stylist, after I told her what to do, used a razor and gave me bald spots. Oh yes, that is my fault.
I think the murderers in this world should just be congratulated, after all they were just there attracted by the woman and it was her fault. really now.
-
Hi,
I loved this article, even I am not single, I would like to read an article about how to deal with Holidays when you have a lot of compromises at this time of year. You know I just have a 10 year daughter, but my mom and my grand mother´s birthdays are in December. I am usually somekind of Greench, but this year I really want to enjoy the partys, share with friends, going on vacation, etc., but time seems to be running.
-
I also enjoyed reading the article as well as the various comments. I enjoyed seeing the reflections of myself from the past. The duality of our world creates such fascinating views, those that truly look into their hearts and search their souls and those that hear/read the words but, but, but… no one could ever understand how they feel. Hmmm. You can’t hold two opposing views. You can’t embrace the words you take into your heart from the Chopra Center and devalue them at the same time. I thank you for this opportunity to go within myself once again. To revisit those lower vibrating times of my life and to be grateful that we get to make these wonderful choices each day.
-
I do not drop many responses, but after browsing through a few of the comments on
this page The Chopra Center Blog · The Single’s Guide to Holiday
Self-Care. I actually do have a couple of questions for you if you
do not mind. Could it be only me or do a few of the responses come across like
they are coming from brain dead people?
And, if you
are writing at additional online sites, I would like
to keep up with anything fresh you have to post. Would you
post a list of all of all your public sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or
twitter feed?
14 comments
Comments feed for this article
Trackback link: http://www.chopra.com/articles/2011/11/21/the-single’s-guide-to-holiday-self-care/trackback/